Yesterday was my birthday. It was my 53rd birthday to be exact. I think alot about the past lately although I would prefer not to...I would prefer to only look ahead. I think back about all the choices I had in my life -- the ones I took and the ones I passed up -- but I guess I do this because, at the age of 53 years, I am trying to reasure myself that I did indeed take the right path through this maze called life.

I often ask myself did I marry the right man thirty something years ago, for the road has certainly been bumpy. But then he is truly the one person who does genuinely care about me and is always interested in my well-being. I certainly would not go back and wish to marry anyone else for then I would not have the same three children who I have been blessed to call my own. I ask myself should we have moved around so much or should we have stayed in Texas and made the best of some difficult, and oftentimes unwise choices. My children most assuredly suffered in this strange move to another state, for they were in their early teens and so very vulnerable, but then I KNOW that they would not have turned out to be the same unique and diverse individuals that I now admire so much. I have to believe that for all of the suffering and confusion there emerged three stronger and more resilient human beings.

So many many times, my entire adult life has seemed like one big mess up full of doubts and indecision. I suppose I chose to go to college -- one of my very best decisions by the way -- because it gave me a focus when there was none (my children are all grown and gone from home now and when you have been a mother for over twenty years you kind of lose sight of who you are). I had control of my life when I was in the student role and no control when I was in the wife/mother role. School has saved my life and this is not an exaggeration. And maybe when I am finished, the diploma and the knowledge will better the quality of the remainder of my life.

And so the more I look back over the course of these last 53 years I must finally come to the realization that every choice and every good or bad decision I made was probably the way my life was supposed to play out. It will be up to me to make the best of everything that has already come to pass or will come to pass. I would like to step forward into a future of promise and joy and leave behind any regrets ... for regrets only serve to destroy the soul. I guess this is the true test of character when we can acknowledge that we have messed up our lives many many times, but we can also pick ourselves up once again and try to move forward into something better. I tell people that I believe that I have already lived three different lives -- my life as my mother's child, my life as my three children's mother, and my life as simply myself. This third life will be the one that will really define and test the fabric of my very being. For my children will always love and respect me because I am their mom, but I still must prove to myself what I am really madeof. This third life, this last metamorphosis, will be the most difficult and hopefully rewarding yet to emerge.

Sylvia Hamilton